injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."

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Just imagine it.  You discover that you’re Oprah’s half-sister.  Talk about hitting the jackpot!

Yeah, yeah, I know.   It’s not just about the money… BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'd love to find out that Bill Gates is a younger brother.   Or that Warren Buffet is my uncle.   Hey -- I don’t need to find some ne’re-do-well relative.  I am the ne’re-do-well relative. 

The truth is, I know very little about my father’s side of the family so there’s all kinds of potential there.   They were French, from Quebec, and settled in Maine.   Incomes under twelve figures need not apply.

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On the flip side, there really are people out there for whom it’s not all about the money.  People with integrity who value their self-respect above all else...   People who are nothing like me.   

Photo credit:  Charlie Riedel/Associated Press

Take Gil Meche, the 32-year-old, right-handed pitcher for the Kansas City Royals who retired last week, giving up his guaranteed $12 million dollar 2011 payday, because his chronically aching right shoulder will not allow him to play at the level that he feels is worthy of that kind of money.  “I felt bad. I was making a crazy amount of money for not even pitching.  I didn’t feel like I deserved it and I didn’t want to have those feelings again.”

Now this is the kind of professional athlete that kids should be looking up to.   He could teach Congress a thing or two about ethics, too. 

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More proof that Obama’s socialist leanings are destroying the country!

On George W’s last day in office the Dow closed at 7,949.   Here we are two years later and the Dow has crossed 12,000 – up around 50% since Obama’s inauguration.   Damn his left-wing ways!

Boy, it’s a good thing we voted those Bush-policy-loving Republicans back into office. 

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Giving a whole new meaning to the term “fire crotch…”

A 20-year-old Lincoln,  Nebraska, woman arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon was found to be concealing a whole lot more.  During the routine “bend over” part of the “Welcome to jail” ceremony, county jail staff found two bags of meth – one inside a Cheetos Famin’ Hot bag – hidden in her vaginal cavity.   The stash in her cash box weighed about 1.2 ounces. 

You know, there are some things I would just never think to do, but I have to admire the creativity expressed by others. 

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“You don’t suck…”

Why, thank you very much.

Monday, January 24^th was National Compliment Day, but there’s still time to say something nice to someone. 

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“… and a child will lead them.”

Kayla Kearney, an incredibly courageous senior at a Santa Rosa, California, high school took a Martin Luther King Jr. Day school assembly as an opportunity to “break the silence” and come out as a lesbian to the entire school.  Her articulate and poignant speech belies her young years.  At eight minutes long, you may be tempted to pass it by, but do yourself a favor and take the time to watch it.  I guarantee it will inspire you. 

Now who's going to put me over 300 followers?    

injaynesworld it's "A Wednesday Recap..."

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Jumping the gun just a little bit, I couldn't wait to find out what you all thought of last night's symbolic show of civility at the State of the Union address.   Personally, I would have also like to have seen it be boy-girl-boy-girl, but there aren't enough girls and that's another post.

At heart, I'm an optimist.   Remember last year when Joe Wilson screamed out "Liar" to the President?   You've got to admit, last night was an improvement.  Any time you can get all of Congress in the same room room to be on their best behavior as they were last night, that can't be a bad thing.   Whether it promotes the bipartisanship needed to dig the country out of the crap hole it's been for the last decade is another thing, but I'm with the president on this one...

It's a start.

injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."

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Apple still passing on porn for iPad…

Despite Hugh Hefner’s tweets this week that an uncensored Playboy magazine app would make its appearance on the iPad in March, Apple is saying no to the famed bunny humper.

Apparently, Apple has a policy of protecting us from ourselves when it comes to what it considers racy content for its timid tablet, historically banning photos of women in bikinis and even fashion layouts that bare a little too much skin.  According to Steve Jobs, if you want porn you should go to Android.

As always, it’s the children who must be protected.  God forbid, a kid should stumble across a woman’s bare breast while plotting his next murderous move on “Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars.”

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You, too, can now be stinking rich…

A Chicago man, so taken with how much he enjoyed the scent of fresh crisp bills when he went to his ATM, has designed a line of his-and-her fragrances that smell like money.  First of all, who stands at the ATM smelling their money?    Am I the only one who finds this just a little bit creepy?

Patrick McCarthy got the idea after reading a story about a Japanese study that showed a significant increase in worker productivity when the smell of money was pumped through vents into factories.   And if it’s in a study, it’s got to be true. 

The male version, His Money Cologne, combines "the woody aroma of newly printed money with a bold fusion of fresh ocean breezes, and bright citrus notes are joined by rosemary, grass, and precious woods."   Personally, I think the reference to “woody” is just a marketing ploy.

Meanwhile, the ladies' version, Her Money Eau de Parfum, "begins with the clean scent of freshly minted bills….” because we women are all about “clean and fresh.”

The cash-scented fragrances sell for $35 online, a small price to pay for the increased confidence that McCarthy believes people who wear his perfume will feel.  

I think I’ll just take the cash, get naked and roll around in it on my own, thank you.   

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Speaking of money…

With states attempting to deal with their ballooning budget deficits by making draconian cuts in services mostly for the neediest of their people, Pennsylvania has found a new source of income.   Recently signed into law is a bill that would allow table games such as poker, blackjack, roulette and dice to now be played in casinos.  The state expects to raise about $250 million and create thousands of new jobs. 

 

As always, there were those who opposed on moral grounds.  Of course, these are the same people who are the first to bitch when anyone suggests a raise in their taxes because, as Jon Stewart says, “Why should we actually have to pay for services we want?”

Personally, I think PA’s on the right track.   I’d legalize pot and prostitution and tax that, as well.

Cheers were heard statewide from excited high-rolling grannies who, up to now, have had to settle for just a free game of bingo.

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If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right…

Dixie and Mason

According to a report published by the Centers for Disease Control, sleeping with your dog or cat can expose you to any number of dangerous infectious diseases including strep, staph, meningitis, not to mention hook and round worms.   And letting your dog kiss you on the mouth?    Plan your funeral.

I suppose if you’re immune system is challenged in some way, it makes some sense to be prudent about sharing your pillow with the puss, but aside from that you’re more likely to die from falling out of bed, as an estimated 450 people do each year, than catch a bug from Bowzer. 

I’ve slept with my pets all my life with nothing worse than the occasional flea bite to show for it.    Humans, on the other hand – pass the penicillin.

It seems like every week there’s a new study out with warnings about some damn thing that’s going to kill us.   As I see it, none of us is getting off the planet alive anyway and if swappin’ spit with my dog is what does me in, that’s not such a bad way to go. 

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And now let’s check in with the Party of No…

Their first week back to work, the big news out of the new GOP led House was that they would be reading the Constitution – out loud – as a symbolic nod to their new Tea Party colleagues. 

That little piece of theater went so well, that they spent the entirety of last week symbolically repealing the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. 

Word has it next week they’ll be introducing the entirely symbolic “No Taxpayer Funding For Abortion” bill, completely ignoring the fact that there is no public funding for abortion in this country. 

Didn’t the Republicans run on a promise to “listen to the people,” and “get down to the business at hand?”   I guess it’s hard to hear what the people are saying with your head so far up your ass. 

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Warning:  Do not text around bodies of water…

Just in case, like me, you're one of the only people on the planet to miss the most buzzed about video of last week, here it is.

Thank God for people like this. 

injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."

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It was a tough week to find anything funny or entertaining to write about.   My urgings were to stay tucked in the fetal position under my electric blanket with a sippy cup of tequila and my Chihuahua, Dixie, but here goes…

Has the Aretha Franklin become a link in her very own “Chain of Fools?”

Back in September, the “Queen of Soul” said that she wanted Halle Berry to play her in the upcoming film about her life.   This week she got her wish and may I just say the resemblance in uncanny.  

I’d want Penelope Cruz to play me.   Hey – Aretha’s got her fantasies and I’ve got mine. 

I bet you’ve got yours, too. 

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Happy Birthday, Betty White…

At 89 years old, she is living proof that age is only a number.   I love Betty White  somewhere in between more than just a fan, but less than a stalker.   Recently, I became only “one degree of separation” from my fantasy bff when my friend, Andy, produced a TV-movie that she starred in to be aired January 30th on CBS.

This is my friend, Andy with Betty.   

If I had any skill at Photoshop, I’d replace his face with mine and lie through my teeth.

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As we all know, Betty White is a lover of animals, but I have to wonder if even she would draw the line at this.

Animal Planet is Freezing Fido…

The all-animals, all-the-time network is launching a new reality show with stories about people who can’t let go – of their pets, that is.   Set in Romance, Arkansas, the show spotlights the growing practice of preserving Platypuss forever via freeze-drying technology.   Why Romance, Arkansas, you may ask?    Are the 246 folks living there more sentimental than the rest of us? 

According to the producer, “Showcasing different lifestyles, new worlds and new things is what television should be all about.”  

And here I thought we covered that with “The Jersey Shore.”   I think I’ll be skipping this one. 

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Radically shifting gears…

Republicans hoping to “kill Obamacare” may find unlikely new defenders blocking their path.

According to Forbes, “Major health insurance companies are reporting a significant increase in their business due to the increase in small businesses voluntarily offering health care benefits to their employees” since the passage of the health care reform law. 

In other words, thanks to the tax cut created in the new law providing small businesses with an incentive to do so,  “Obamacare” is working exactly as promised to bring health care coverage to more of us working stiffs and private market insurance companies are benefiting.

So much for the lies of “job killing” and cries of “government takeover of health care.”

In addition, the health care bill provides money for increased mental health services…

And after this week, can anyone argue against the necessity of that? 

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“We should do everything we can to make sure this country lives up to our children’s expectations…”

I was very proud of President Obama this week.

While I’ve often criticized his desire for bipartisanship as naïve and found it frustrating, his unrelenting pursuit of bridging that which divides us finally made sense to me in the aftermath of the Tuscon shootings. 

Of course, there were still those who found fault with the President's speech and couldn't resist attacking him even in this time of national mourning.

While I agree that there is too much cynicism in our collective conversation, I have no plans to retire my "Steaming Pile of Shit Award" any time soon.   Limbaugh, this one’s for you. 

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And finally, just for laughs…

Snooki, sans her trademark leopard print dress, appeared on the David Letterman Show this past week to give the ten top reasons for why you should buy her book, “A Shore Thing”  --  which are ten reasons more  that anyone has been able to come up with to buy a book by Sarah Palin.   

injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."

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Could Dick Cheney be morphing into Gollum?

You tell me.   Long compared to the powerful Darth Vader for his capacity to do evil, Cheney’s fragile-looking frame suggests that comparisons to a different villain may be emerging.

We learned this week that while Cheney no longer has a pulse, he apparently does have a heart, albeit one that requires a mechanical pump to push the ice water through his arteries.  

While his heart will never beat at full-strength again, associates say he is resuming much of his old life, including his fondness for hunting.   With a heart transplant being the only permanent solution to his health woes, I wouldn’t suggest anyone taking to the great outdoors with him any time soon. 

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Is National Whipped Cream Day in bad taste?

Why is this the first I’ve heard of this day?  Around since about 1954,  January 5^th is the day our nation, the most collectively obese on the planet, reserves for celebrating whipped cream.   Yet another Hallmark opportunity. 

Of course, U.S. bashers around the globe had a heyday with this, tweeting their oh-so-superior criticism about the U.S. being insensitive to the world’s nearly one billion people who go hungry every day.

65% of the world’s hungry live in just seven nations, one being China, which I find myself hard-pressed to shed a tear over.   They’ve got all our jobs, they make all the crap we buy, and they buy up all of our country’s debt.   Are you telling me they can’t afford to hand out a can or two of whipped cream to their starving populous?  

And maybe some pie?  

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Not tonight, dear…

According to research published this week, women's tears may turn men off.   And to think, women have been faking headaches for years when all they had to do was cry. 

Researchers found that men who sniffed drops of women’s emotional tears became less sexually aroused by suggestive photos than when they sniffed a neutral saline.   “Chemical signaling is a form of language…” the study claims.   In women’s tears was found the chemo-signal word for “no” or “not now.”  

The scientific mystery of why remains, but it doesn’t seem like much of a mystery to me.  I think most guys would say that nothing makes them feel less like “raising the flag” than a woman crying.   

So thank you, Einstein for clearly that up.

Personally, I’d rather have the scientific community investigating what the hell’s going on with all the dead birds.  

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It’s playoff season which means the Super Bowl, along with its great commercials, can’t be far off…

However, some of the best Super Bowl commercials were never seen on the broadcast.  Here’s a little taste of a Bud Light commercial banned for its creative use of language.

And so ends the first Sunday Recap of the new year.   Chime in... 

injaynesworld we're "Downsizing For Dummies..."

Christmas was good to me.   I accumulated just enough new stuff to perpetuate my belief in Santa and nothing that I didn’t like or won’t use.  

Until the recent economic downturn, much of my life was about acquiring more stuff, and then stressing over how to keep and house all the stuff.   As my income grew less, my prayers were for more.  Not to get ahead.   I’d long given up on that.   But just to break even, to keep all the balls in the air, the cage wheel spinning on a lifestyle I really haven’t been able to afford since Clinton was in office.     

This past year a dear friend lost her job and her home and was forced to downsize to what would fit into two small rooms and a storage locker.   It turned out to be a positive move, granting her the peace of mind to reinvent herself in ways she couldn’t have known while living in constant turmoil.  I admire the strength it took for her to do this and, surprisingly, I found that a part of me was even a bit envious. 

There’s something appealing about “traveling light,” mostly the ability to dodge and weave when life lays a right hook on you.  The answer to my prayers had been there all along.  I just hadn’t been listening. 

How nice to see that along with sagging boobs, a failing memory and an overactive bladder, age also brings with it at least a modicum of wisdom.   Better late than never.     

So 2011 will be the year of the shedding of the shit – and I have closets full.   One holds old tax returns and receipts going back to 1990.  It also holds my coats if I could only get to them. 

What is supposed to function as a linen closet overflows with wrapping paper and gift boxes bought on sale because you never know.   Dig deeply enough and you’ll also find my old collection of 1960’s 45s and LPs.  Anyone wanting any Bobby Darin albums – speak up now.   Frankie Avalon is also well-represented.   What you’ll be hard-pressed to locate in there is a wash cloth. 

There are drawers in my house that I haven’t opened in years, clothes that probably looked great when I was 30, some with the tags still on them, and stacks of self-help books from the 80s including “Smart Women, Foolish Choices.”  I could have written that one.

I have two printers, neither of which works, an ancient “Mr. Coffee,” and electric curlers that I’ve been loathe to part with because the bouffant could come back and, always the style icon, I wanted to be prepared. 

Gone.  All of it.   

In this time of economic turmoil with our policies continuing to favor the rich and no likely way that I’m going to join their ranks, it seems prudent to make other plans.  I want to be able to quickly adapt to changing circumstances or take advantage of opportunities that may present themselves.

This paring down to a new leaner life as I coast into my later years is kind of an exciting venture – like packing only what I need for a trip I’m preparing to take.  And who knows?   I may turn up anywhere.

Got a room to rent?